If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
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A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!