My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
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Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Google assistant rules
Breaking news:
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?