There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
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BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Today’s homeschooling Google searches: