You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
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I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser