Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
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I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
stop
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.