I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
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“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face: