Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
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Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…