[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
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The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
somewhere, in an alternate universe