(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
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[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
How to woo a woman
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.