Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
You Might Also Like
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
bad news gang
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?