Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
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Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?