Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
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Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.