Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
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[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
tinder is all about the long game
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.