Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
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My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I need to update my racial profile.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty