“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
You Might Also Like
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
meow
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”