Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
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Strange things: the prequel
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2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb