A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
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House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]