360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
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It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Perfect.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it