Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
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[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Finally, an explanation.