Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
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I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?