Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
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Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
channeling her this year
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down