Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
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So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520