Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
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I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.