7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
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On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I am crying
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Well, this explains it:
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
⛄️
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?