*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
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Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭