1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
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if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
This is painfully accurate 😅
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.