When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
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ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Monday Lisa
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not