*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
You Might Also Like
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”