Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
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DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Me trying to reach for my goals
No, he would not have.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”