Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
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If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
nyc:
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.