If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
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I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.