Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
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ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.