One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.