For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
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I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
What?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?