INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
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Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.