Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
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No one told me my life would become so much googling it
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Lmao the reply
I’m about to risk it all
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I will never stop laughing at this
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis