People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
You Might Also Like
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀