If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
You Might Also Like
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please