The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
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My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.