Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
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[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.