My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse