Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
You Might Also Like
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭