Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
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Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.