One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
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[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
thinking about a very short hotdog