give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
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Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
hey, alexa
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.