Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
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Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Everything reminds me of my ex
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
#ParentingFacts
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.