I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
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[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?