A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
can’t talk my ride’s here
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
john wicks are toilet candles
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.