I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
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[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland