My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
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I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
*watches the world burn*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.